I've always thought people who said that were cheesy and cliche and that they didn't understand the full weight and power of feeling INFINITE. But tonight, believe me, tonight i was infinite.
Today i drove down 1-90 east feeling scared and unsure and uncomfortable because i was on my way to a party where there would be six boys, and i'd only know two, and one of them is my biggest judge, and i was being thrown to the lions den.
But then i arrived and we toasted to surviving the first week of school, and to Sean for hosting the party, and we laughed at our youth and beauty. And the boys free former verse and poured thick sweet grenadine into cups of orange juice and vodka, and we lifted our doodle covered cups to the sky and looked at the stars, bright and plenty in the sprawling far east suburbs, away from our big city's lights. And we talked quietly in the grass while the boys passed around their swirled glass bowl and i watched the flame glow up the shaft and their eyelids flutter and we talked about nothing and everything and nothing again. A bunch of prep school kids in ralph lauren polos and dolce and gabbana jeans staring at the stars.
And it wasn't the alcohol becuase i barely drank and stayed sober, and it wasn't the pot because i didn't touch it, it was the sound of J's bass mingling with the taste of the smoke i never inhaled on his lips, it was the laughter dancing in the sky twirling with the nicoteen smoke and escaping up to those stars we kissed with our words. It was Sean's head on my thigh as he closed his eyes to absorb the feeling of it all. It was the night.
And tonight i felt alright, i felt comfortable and calm and like if this could go on forever then that would be ok. if time stopped right now, i wouldn't mind, and simultaneously like this moment, this party, this night was stretching into forever, was filling in all the gaps in time and becoming the future. Like we were everything there was. And tonight i felt invincible.
Tonight i felt infinite.